january 15th, 2021
listening: mitski - i bet on losing dogs
lmao damn, sorry to be cliche gay bitch being sad and listening to mitski, but i am just living my truth.
anyway my mom has covid and i'm... Worried. spending approximately 80% of my alone time thinking about her d-wording, her mortality in general, my dad's mortality, the last time we hugged, how i only ate half of the last chunk of cheesecake she made for me, the phonecall that breaks the news, the zoom funeral, making a speech at a funeral, making a speech at a ZOOM funeral, will my dad stay in our house?, should i move back home then?... the list goes on.
my brain thinks this is "protection" that "prepares" me for the worst-case scenario, and surprisingly, none of it is helpful.
thankfully, i also have the attention span of a goldfish and twitter jokes can keep me giggling in between panic.
sidenote from zoom funerals.... zoom parties. every time i'm invited to one i think "aw, yes! what a nice way for me, a social butterfly, to get some social interaction!" and then when the day comes around i can think of nothing more isolating and sad than joining a party with mandatory full-group participation, strict no-cross talk rules, and no outside smokers party break, alone from my house. and especially when everyone who joins gets a mandatory one minute "all eyes on you! how you doin!" and the how i'm doin' ain't my best.
is listening to mitski alone on my couch less depressing? who's to say!
january 6th, 2021
feeling: who even knows
listening: troupeau bleu - cortex
don't even know what to say about "current events", shit is just wild and continues to be bad!!!
with regard to (borat voice) my life, since my last update:
i got a gig helping a couple of kids with their remote learning. gotta say, it is very chaotic being in a zoom with 15 first graders. also chaotic just being physically in a room with two! i'm doing my best, but i can tell they're really stressed out with school and just life in general. i worry that i'm not the best person to be trying to help them, but i dunno. i'm trying with my full heart... i'm just ALSO stressed out!
also sidenote: the kids talk about how much they hate america and hate the president truly *every day* by 10am.
right now i'm applying to counseling internships specifically geared toward doing art therapy and play therapy with kids, and i'm really thankful to be able to work with my tutor kids right now, even though it's in a different capacity. i'm trying to put everything i've learned into place about where kids are emotionally and cognitively at their age, and it's been helpful to see what my textbooks are talking about in action and know betterh ow to respond. it's also definitely helped me approach their tantrums better and help them feel heard instead of shut down when they're sad and angry.
one of the places i interviewed with also talked about how as a counselor it's not really my job to interpret the meaning behind what kid clients say (unless what they say is hinting at something dangerous, obviously), since kids pick up so much of what they say and act out in play from what they hear adults saying and from media, and i got a good lesson in that the other day. "muffy" kept telling me for weeks that her baby brother voted for donald trump (lmao) and i was like "hmm wow, she always talks about how she hates donald trump, so this Must mean she has negative feelings toward her brother! perhaps she's jealous that he gets a lot of attention now!".... well plot twist, i heard her dad talking to baby brother the other day and i realized he does a bit where he talks as the baby and pretends that the baby is a trump supporter and fake-argues with the baby (lol?). so uh, yeah good reminder that sometimes it ain't that deep.
also, really not looking forward to the kids going back to in-person school for part of the week... it's just such a bad idea! but i need money so uh... i will continue to work either way!!
a final note, my new years resolutions:
- get more buff, like visibly muscular arms
- text people back REGULARLY
- show people more appreciation and thanks
ok that is all!
october 16th, 2020
listening: cat snores
eating: beef ramen with an old packet of miso garnish
absolutely h*rny for forgetting to update this every few months :)
life changes since last post:
- seeing gf regularly (sick)
- in therapy again with a new MALE ??? therapist i LIKE ???
- anxiety levels DOWN ???
- pandemic isolation has become unfortunately "normal"
- decided to pursue an internship doing therapy with kids and teens next semester :^)
- still have not gotten diva on my island
- have terraformed my island to the point of hating it (which means i'm halfway back to loving it?)
- trying to get better at following thru on my craft projects
unfortunate that this is basically all that's changed, but i'm glad things aren't worse!
ciao for niao
may 29th, 2020
listening: mei ehara - ampersands
eating: a clementine
truly thrilled at the prospect of kissing dani on wednesday and tbh trying to blAst through these next five days until it happens!! we WILL be celebrating with mini hot dogs! maybe i'll even grab some mountain dew! girls gone wild!
anyway, major apologies to my neighbors for all the g*y s*x i'm about to be having with the windows open, but ya know... summer in the city, baby!!
also i'm eternally grateful for my alley sanity walks. i need to figure out a better route though, because they all end in funny places and i end up having to walk on streets for part of it. ruins the vibe having to dodge strollers and dogs and joggers and other sanity walkers.
i had a video chat this morning with my friend lo for the first time in like, a year, and it was really nice to get to catch up. also gotta say, incredibly jealous that he was talking to me from his v sunny (although v tiny) balcony in ~paris~ and i've got like, some dingy back stairs. to their credit, my gardener neighbor filled them with a bunch of plants (and put pink ones in my windowsill~*), which is nice in its own way. but i wish i had a place to like, sun my titties in isolation.
animal crossing update: rex (one of the misguided allies below) decided to move off my island. i'm sad to see him go, but i get it. he's been there since the beginning. man has to see the world. HOWEVER, now i will be scouring nook miles islands for my #1 bitch, DIVA:
me personally? i would die for her. if there is somehow someone reading this who is ready to let diva explore the wild pink yonder, hit me up. also gonna take this time to share a picture that i spent way too much time creating but is imo, hilarious:
genius is often misunderstood.
xoxo, gossip girl
may 25th, 2020
listening: new order - blue monday
drinking: vodka, ginger ale, ~tropical~ juice
aldi has many hits and many misses, and unfortunately whatever tropical mix juice this is is a miss.
i got up early today and took a long walk through the alleys around here. again, less stressful than walking on the streets, and surprisingly more people wearing masks. maybe the health-conscious people all figure it's the safest place to walk.
it's been cute seeing families setting up inflatable pools and grilling outside today. i wish i had a burger or some hot dogs. i could go out and buy some, but i'm kinda morally opposed to grocery shopping on holidays, and i s'pose more so during a pandemic. i have mini hot dogs and crescent rolls to wrap around them, but i was hoping to save that for the first celebratory meal when me and dani can see each other again lol. i'm a romantic with elegant tastes, what can i say.
other happenings: got a mystery bill for $115 from one of my docs, possibly for a five minute phone consultation. can't wait to find out what that's about and cry to some lady to please not charge me money! i lost my insurance baby, i've got that medicaid and they don't take it!
wish i could be with pals. wish i could be kissin. wish i could lay with my gf on a lazy morning with the window open, or late at night tonight when the storm starts rolling in.
ending with a PSA to please wear masks and wash your hands and try not to make too many friend "exceptions" to hangs when lockdown ends.
xoxo, gossip girl
may 24th, 2020
listening: summer 2008 playlist (relevant to below)
i took two walks today-- one during the day, since i've barely been outside and need some sun, and one at night because i wanted a more peaceful walk. too many people were out being careless and not wearing masks. out of the 120 people i probably passed, i only counted 19 masks. chicago is never coming out of lockdown.
i passed a few groups of teens in the park tonight and now i'm just thinking about teen summers. i don't know if it's the same for everyone, but i have one summer in my mind that really defines summer. 2008, the one just after high school and before college. watching FLCL late at night in a house without a/c, smoking weed in my room (!), being sad and driving around the suburbs. driving to 7-11 for slurpees at night, listening to the cd i made of music i pulled off my long-distance myspace crush david's page (neutral milk hotel, violent femmes, los campesinos, sabrepulse). talking to him while i was babysitting and the kids were asleep and being all teen-horny. also pining over my ex-boyfriend who i regretted dumping (but in the long run, a good decision). and pining over years-long on-and-off relationship i had with another guy from myspace, who turned out to be a girl (catfishing before it was a word! it's a whole story. call me if you wanna hear about all that). then trying to date her, then having that immediately go poorly...
teenage me was... just lovesick and all over the place lmao. but also....... "was"?
anyway, the playlist above is what i remember listening to all summer. mostly indie-pop, mostly sad.
ok, goodnight! xoxo
may 22nd, 2020
watching: america's next top model, cycle 9
drinking: ginger beer
i think the most productive thing i did today was get 90% through the cardboard castle project. all the cat-looking boxes have faces and ears, so all that's left is the hard part of gluing them together. is that the hardest part? my brain says it is. does this project sound insane? it is, but it's really cute. no picture of the art until it's finished though.
in other news, i made this shirt for dani but my villagers won't stop wearing it lmao
kabuki and rex are just incredibly misguided allies, please don't cancel them.
also i'm really tickled that my site shows hundreds of updates and it still looks.... like this lmao. i'm just here to have fun, baby! live laugh *learn*!
ok goodnight xoxo
may 21st, 2020
feeling: p good!
listening: kate nv - kata
drinking: five flower tea
i haven't done much tbh! i've started rewatching yet another cycle of top model, which only goes to show that quarantine has turned me into the 15 y/o version of myself.
it's wild that lockdown is going to end next friday. i'm excited, mostly at the prospect of seeing my gf and my friends again, but also terrified! people will be acting reckless because they're tired of being cooped up. imo it's irresponsible to be doing ~fun~ shopping or going out to eat or anything like that still. the only reason the country is reopening is because the rich want things back to normal and are fine with using working people as guinea pigs. wear your mask, hang with your closest buds at each other's houses or in the middle of an empty field or something, don't put service/essential workers at risk, and if i see you on a patio having a margarita i will [redacted]!!!
n e ways~ i also made a cardboard box castle for my cat, meatloaf. i also painted them to (kind of) look like cats, and i'm almost ready to glue them all together. it feels very "could a depressed person do THIS?", but like, them's the times baby.
also moved on to the pleasant family in the sims 2:
big red up there cheated on sweet ol mary sue with their maid, so she wiped out the family funds getting a bunch of new outfits and a new hairdo, which looks *suspiciously* like the maid's. we love a petty queen. she's not giving up her home, so maybe i'll have to build her a luxurious detached house in the yard where she can still do as she pleases but be there for the kids.
ok, gonna make some weird bag of flavored rice that i picked up in a panic at the grocery store at the beginning of quarantine.
god bless xoxo
may 20th, 2020
listening: pete shelley - homosapien
i made a new diary to replace the old! same as in real life, i can never keep the same one for too long.
i went on a six ft apart date with dani today in the woods and i realized it was the first time in two months that we were able to have a private conversation in person. til now they've all been in front of our apartments in full earshot of the neighbors. it was nice to finally feel like we had some privacy and like we could be ~just us~ for a couple of hours. but also i just want to hold her mf hand!!!
it appears that quarantine has turned me into a full teenager again. staying up til 2am playing the sims 2. truly, the sims 2 is a top tier game if only for strangetown. i've mostly been playing with the curious family, obviously, because i'm trying to populate the town with aliens. the original house got too chaotic though-- lazlo brought ophelia back as a zombie, and it turns out one zombie, three mad scientists, and three alien toddlers was too much for one household. i trusted pascal to do what was best for the kids, so i moved him and the young ones into their own place.
this is where quarantine has brought me. detailing the lives of my sims because nothing is going on in my own life.
also shoutout to these bisexual icons.
that's all xoxo