february 10th, 2022
feeling: hungry
listening to: 70s/80s japanese funk
今図書館にいる。最近アデロールが効かなくなったので、私の脳がちょっと故障している。でも、昨日と今日が少し簡単になりました。クラスと監督の会議で思慮深い思考を共有した。去年の今頃私は本当に緊張していただろう。
okay, tired of writing in japanese right now. too much brain power.
in other news, i surprised myself and spent $50 on these leggings yesterday. i never thought i'd be the kind of person to spend that much money on a piece of stretchy fabric, but these just Called to me. they're from a chicago-based store called ponnopozz, and they have a lot of really fun patterned clothes, very colorful and abstract art, and some fun other goodies, so check them out if that sounds neat to you!
valentine's day is coming up and i made it a tradition in recent years to mail all of my friends valentines with some heartfelt notes attached. valentine's day is for celebrating all kinds of love, and friend love is precious! i have almost all of them mailed out. perhaps i'll use the rest of my caffeinated morning to finish them up.
i'm very excited to celebrate valentine's day with [boyfriend] this year. we're going to a bar (!!) to watch the puppybowl on sunday. i plan to look incredibly sexy for a normie bro bar at 1pm, but since they're a scorpio i think they'll appreciate that. in related news, please cross your fingers that their v-day present arrives on time-- technically i got them two, but this one is the *grand finale* and i want to watch them scream about it.
i'm excited for tomorrow because i don't have *anything* i have to do. no work, no class, no internship, no nothing. it's going to be relatively warm, so i'm thinking of waking up early and going to the beach for some beachcombing! my only worry is that i'm in the stage of adjusting to my new adderall prescription where i have intense dry mouth and therefore drink a lot of water, and the city closes the bathrooms for the winter (stupid!!!). so uh, also cross your fingers that isn't a problem tomorrow! lmao
that's all for now!
xoxo
february 1st, 2022
feeling: hungry
listening to: a drag race recap lol
今は新しい事を試みる。友達の何人はこのサイトを読むと思うので、私は個人的な物を書くのをちょっとためらっている。同時に、日本語をまた練習したい。十一年前に関西外大で留学したから、私の日本語がどんどん下手になった。「個人的な物を書きたい時に、日本語で書ける！」と思った。多分多く間違いがあるでしょう。我慢してください！
新しい単語：
試みる – kokoromiru
個人的な - kojintekina
同時 – douji
我慢して – gamanshite
xoxo
january 31st, 2022
feeling: hungry? tired? odd?
listening to: an ep of QI (Seires S Ep 12: Silly Season)
i just got bumped up to 20mg of adderall and i'm in the "broken brain" phase of adjusting to it. simultaneously feeling like i'm on too much and not enough, still not getting much done, and having an even harder time sleeping. i've also been thinking about how i've basically been out of commission brain-wise for the last six weeks-- in that time i had strep twice, the flu once, and was waiting for most of that time to get an appointment with chronically-way-too-busy psychiatrist because my adderall stopped working. i was feeling down on myself for not getting more done on my personal projects and at work, but once i thought of all of that i said oh... okay maybe it's understandable.
we've entered the Extreme Winter part of the year, which means probably no beachcombing opportunities until march, and that makes me *so sad*. dani is also gone until march, which makes me very sad too. for the past two years i've spent the most time with her out of anyone, so this winter feels much more lonely. i'm at least more comfortable seeing a larger number of friends, whether or not that's actually a smart thing to do. being on year three of a pandemic when you live alone is uh... insanity-inducing to say the least. winter is the worst time since i obviously can't have the windows open (i like the breeze and the city noise-- makes me feel less alone) and i keep my blinds closed to conserve heat in my cold apartment. seeing more people is kind of worth the risk at this point, otherwise i'm going to go full bad-brain mode.
i'm still feeling a bit lost in my internship, but i'm hoping that i'll be able to do some in-person observations of art/play therapy sessions soon. i asked my supervisor for some resources on technique and all that since i kind of just felt like i was slapping things together and not sure if i was doing things correctly, but her answer was basically that reading isn't going to teach you how to be a good therapist. you've just gotta watch and do. thankfully she sent me some good session videos to watch to get a better idea of what it looks like from a ~true professional~. i also keep forgetting that i'm doing all of this via teletherapy, which is absolutely not the ideal medium for children. i'd probably be better and learn quicker if i was able to be truly hands-on (and if all the kids weren't going through the nationwide trauma of living through this pandemic), but this is where we are.
okay, not ending the post on that note.... what are some happy things... oh wait lmao i'm in love! it's a tale as old as time-- i had a regular hookup who i started getting feelings for, and plot twist! they have feelings too! but i will save the gushing for my physical journal :)
xoxo
november 17th, 2021
feeling: on my game
listening to: bach - für elise (classical guitar)
damn, lots of THINGS have happened. for one, my girlfriend and i broke up. i think it's overall the right move, but that doesn't mean there isn't some sadness there. i love her dearly and i think we'll always be close, so it's not the loss of a relationship. just a relationship changing forms. in an incredibly dyke move, she still has a bunch of her stuff at my place and my key, and she's gonna hang out and stay at my place tomorrow. love not following the societal "shoulds" around what breakups look like!
meatloaf apparently did not like all the attention not being on him the night of the breakup though, because he went and had a weird medical episode. can you say main character syndrome? he threw up, started panting really hard, kind of fainted and expelled every fluid in his body, and i *genuinely* thought he was a goner. we rushed him to the emergency vet at midnight, and $1000 and three hours later they told us that he either had an asthma attack from a bronchial infection or a vagal nerve episode. it's possible that he'll never have one again and it was just a freak thing. in another incredibly lesbian twist, i didn't have a way to pay for his bill since my credit card was stolen (lol!), so my now-ex had to call her OTHER ex and ask for her credit card number for us to use. chaotic.
i decided i wanted to get back into playing classical guitar-- back in college i was in the classical ensemble and used to play all the time, but i just lost the energy for it after a while. i think now that i have so much brain space thanks to my adderal and anxiety meds, i finally have time to dedicate to it again. it's a really calming and tactile hobby for me, and it just sounds so beautiful. unfortunately i still can't hold my guitar like a normal person and continue to do the jimi hendrix grip that my old teacher used to roast me for 13 years ago. my thumb just feels at home wrapped around the neck!!
i'm tired of playing all my old songs, so i decided to restart with learning the fur elise for my mom. it's one of her favorite classical songs, and since she's really hard to shop for i think i'll surprise her with it on christmas. me, her, and my dad are going to be driving down to florida next month to visit with her side of the family, so i'll have to scheme with my dad to figure out how to bring my guitar in the car with us without her noticing! i'm really excited to get to spend christmas with that side of the family-- it's just a bunch of loud, funny women and their quiet, sweet husbands (for the most part). also since they live near the beach, i'm thinking about going beachcombing on a few mornings! my aunt nancy does love an early morning beach walk, so maybe she'll want to join me.
doing art and play therapy continues to be strange and interesting. one of my kids makes *the* most interesting drawings. kids really do express so much about their internal experience if you just read between the lines.
xoxo
november 2nd, 2021
feeling: capable
listening to: connie converse - how sad, how lovely
it must be fall because i've gotten back into my sad girl music. if you haven't listened to connie converse, please do yourself a favor and click that link above. she had such a beautiful voice and her story is a real tragic mystery. she made music in the 50s but never had any commercial success, was possibly a lesbian, struggled with substance use and depression, and eventually willingly disappeared in 1974 and asked her family not to look for her. i hope she found happiness somewhere.
i went to the arcade the other night by myself for the first time since the pandemic, just sipping on water and playing pinball for a couple hours. i missed doing that so much! i have to say i do feel incredibly powerful just looking hot at the bar while working on my game and talking to no one. also the fact that the bar now serves food means that i never need to go anywhere else again tbh. i saw they opened an arcade bar way closer to my house, but it ain't got that charm (or as many games)!
for my fellow pin-heads, my machines of choice last night were star trek (broken push button unfortunately), jurassic park, attack from mars (high score: 6 billion), addams family, and whitewater. i would've played ripley's but a screw came loose while i was playing and the machine had to be shut down (RIP). the new godzilla machine is also insanely fun and made me want to revisit the old godzilla movies.
i'm glad that my school workload has slowed down, but my therapy workload is definitely ramping up. i'm also feeling a bit unsupported by my supervisor, kind of like i'm just flailing through my sessions and doing my best to do therapy. it's just hard when we don't really study therapy methods for children outside of a single class, and their developmental needs are so wide-ranging depending on their age. it also definitely seems like not being around their peers has held some of the littler ones back socially and is causing them a lot of anxiety. i really don't envy kids, they have it so hard! and as a sidenote, if you say you hate children i feel very, very sorry for you. growing up is fucking hard and adults forget that. even if you don't like them, just be kind to them.
xoxo
october 28th, 2021
feeling: motivated
listening to: the library fan
i'm going to shock everyone right now by saying that surprisingly the first-days-of-adderall euphoria did not last. who knew that a stimulant medication would make me feel really, really good for a hot minute while my body adjusted? but it's alright, i've been on the stuff for three weeks now 
and it's definitely helping. i haven't been as stressed out over things, despite being the busiest i have ever been, and i'm actually able to get stuff done. truly never could have believed it!
things with being a therapist are moving right along. i have clients ranging from ages 5 to 24, which keeps things really interesting. obviously my older clients can talk about their experiences and thoughts and feelings and be guided towards different types of reflections, but the younger ones just don't have the cognitive or verbal ability for all that. with one we just play battleship or checkers or card games. with another i'm trying to introduce some more art activities. i'm really hoping one of them is interested in doing a self-portrait, and we can look at a bunch of different ways to make a self-portrait and then see what they come up with. it all feels very roundabout and long-game with the little ones.
it's also definitely feeling like scorpio season. that time of transformation and introspection. the leaves are changing, the darkness creeps in earlier and earlier, and the cold is setting in too. i sense some things are afoot, and that's all i have to say about that.
xoxo
october 9th, 2021
feeling: awake!
listening to: mitski - working for the knife
happy return of mitski to those who celebrate!
it's been a week of positive updates re: my body and my brain. my nose doctor said while there's definitely a hole, he expects the surgery will still be a 90-95% success when it's fully done healing and he doesn't expect there to be any more tearing. the level of RELIEF!
i was also able to get diagnosed for adhd via klarity. it was by far the most affordable and quick diagnosis i could find. for anyone else who needs it-- it's not the six hour neuropsychiatric test, it's a 30 minute diagnostic appointment with a nurse. the appointment costs $139 and i was able to get medication two hours later. if you need continuing care, it's $25/month. 
i've only had my medication for four days now, but already i'm seeing a huge difference in my day-to-day. i was early to work for the first time in years. i feel more present in conversations with others. my anxiety has significantly decreased. i actually feel awake during the day and not like i'm trying to wake up from morning til night. i can focus on homework (or fucking around, because sadly medication does not make work i don't really want to do more appealing). i feel like i have a more accurate sense of time. i'm used to feeling like i'm living inside a tornado where everything stressful is happening very soon, but now i can look at my schedule and see "ah yes, i have a presentation i'm not looking forward to in five days. i have plenty of time to figure things out." i hope things continue this way, because it's incredibly, incredibly helpful.
today's plan is to work on that presentation, do some therapy research, send a work email, check the work voicemail, do a little dance workout, make food, and maybe see a friend in the evening. a pleasantly productive day.
xoxo
october 3rd, 2021
feeling: hung over
listening to: the fan
last night i flew to the sun, and boys... i got burned.
(i drank three trulys and now i'm hung over)
i'm not sure why my body is such a wimp, but somehow i am on hour 20 of a hangover. is this being in your thirties? i think the rest of the pack will be saved for friends and i'll stick to other methods for having a good time.
ridiculous hangover aside, the evening was worth it! [girlfriend] and i made our first house party debut since pre-pandemic times for my friend's birthday. as a libra rising myself, i felt i had to do my best to properly honor libra season. so i made a cute card, embraced my friendly little social butterfly side, and made out with three people on the dark basement dance floor. with that last one especially, it truly does feel like nature is healing.
however, a silver lining from today: i don't have to go in for jury duty tomorrow! i was pretty positive i would be dismissed early anyway, seeing as i look visibly gay and alternative. for those of you called in the future, my old AP US history teacher always gave our class this advice: "if you're called for jury duty and need to get out of it, ask as many questions as you can about the case. law enforcement and the government want people who will passively accept their version of events. they hate free-thinkers." a true real one. as a result...
tomorrow's (revised) to-do list:
- see if medicaid will reimburse me for a cheaper adhd test (doubtful)
- book an appointment for the test anyway
- prepare a presentation on lgbt teen dating violence
- do my first client intake session (ACK!)
send good vibes to my nose (doc appt coming soon) and to me for that interview tomorrow, because i'm a little nervous. i think i'll be okay though!
i've included a picture of a water wiggler because i thought this entry could use a picture and i think they're nice.
xoxo
october 1st, 2021
feeling: stressed
listening: an ep of married at first sight UK
figured it was time for an update!
- septum surgery: unfortunately, i don't think the surgery held and it's slowly coming apart. feeling your nose rip from the inside and your breathing slowly get worse again is really not fun. i have a doctor's appointment on tuesday to confirm, so if anyone has a new nose they could offer me i would really appreciate it.
- adhd: i had a meeting with my psychiatrist! she thinks i almost definitely have adhd, but apparently she doesn't do testing (which was the whole reason i wanted to see her in the first place). i'm now scrambling to find someone who takes medicaid or offers a reasonable sliding scale. i got an email back from one place that said sliding scale for low income people starts at ONE THOUSAND FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS. like ma'am.... i don't think you can legally call that sliding scale lmao. but i WILL find a place. i have to!
- halloween: i love halloween. i didn't dress up last year since, you know, the pandemic. this year, i'm perhaps feeling more bold now that i have a vaccine and i'll probably know a person or two throwing a little shindig. my costume this year is going to be... the bubble yum duck lmao. mostly it's an excuse for me to wear this pink fur coat that a friend gifted me. but like, i'm realizing i'm actually going to be dropping a kind of stupid amount of money on stuff to put this costume together. i'll need a latex duck mask, something to make a fake septum with, a white full-body spandex suit, a spike collar (that has future use though), a pink dress or pink bra/underwear (also has future use)... babe, those add up. but thankfully i am just mentally ill enough to justify so many frivolous purchases for the sake of my "mental health".
- glasses: my new glasses came and they're great! after 5 years of not updating my prescription i feel like i'm seeing in 4-D now. also i hadn't realized how much the sun and just general wear had bleached my pink glasses-- compared to my new ones, they're peach-colored!
- yard sard: the sale went okay! i made $50, which wasn't too bad! kind of surprised at some of the cute things that didn't sell though! i'll probably take the nicer stuff to buffalo exchange and then donate the rest. RIP to some real classic dana outfits.
that's all for now, friends! xoxo
september 14th, 2021
feeling: accomplished
listening: sims lo-fi
what a beautiful day. i had septum surgery six weeks ago and have had these rubber splints in my nose while everything healed, which made it really hard for me to breathe. but yesterday i FINALLY got them out, which means i can breathe through my nose again! i got to sleep with my mouth closed and not wake up with my tongue feeling like a desert! i do have to go back in six weeks and that will be the real test of whether the surgery worked or not, so cross your fingers. i already had this surgery once before, so if it fails the only other option for me to breathe comfortably is to move to a more humid climate (or wait for climate change to make [city] subtropical).
in other news, after five years i'm *finally* getting new glasses. two pairs actually, although one of them is the exact same pair i've been wearing this whole time (the clear pink). i'm both a taurus who side-eyes change and a gal dedicated to her brand. i'm also getting myself some contacts so i can start playing around with eye makeup. yes, it has taken me til my thirties to decide to "figure out" makeup. we're living, laughing, learning over here folks!
it appears i have entered a "getting my shit together" phase (virgo season). after having a bed bug scare a couple weeks ago and washing every piece of fabric in my home, i've decided i have Too Much Stuff. particularly, too many clothes that i've been too reluctant (or lazy) to get rid of. thankfully, the neighborhood yard sale is coming up in two weeks. usually i'm a buyer, but this time i'll be setting up outside my apartment and getting rid of some cute things for low low prices. i think i have about 50 clothing items, old mugs, candles, jewelry, cat-themed knick knacks from aunt kathy... hopefully some people like what i'm offering!
[girlfriend] and i have also been talking about moving in together once my lease is over, so that's another reason i need to get rid of some things! we've been coming up with some very cute ideas for our apartment. she has a very old, heavy vintage TV that she wants to turn into an aquarium, kind of like the one here.
i'm so glad she's handy, because i would have no idea how to do that. we want to use some of my sea glass and ceramic on the bottom instead of aqarium rocks, which i think will look so pretty! along with the usual rocks and plants that the fish can swim around, we also want to add a little ceramic couch and tv. a little living room for the fish since they'll be in *our* living room. i'm really excited for how cute and funky our place will be :)
xoxo
september 10th, 2021
feeling: tired
listening: morning cicadas
i decided to delete all my old entries (minus these) and start fresh. so hello!
i started my counseling internship a few weeks ago, but i still haven't done any shadowing or gotten any clients of my own. it's all going to be virtual, since it's all children and teens and my supervisor is (thankfully) very COVID-safe. it's incredibly fucked how we've all just decided that kids are necessary collateral damage in this mess so that adults can get back to business as usual. i can't think about it too long though, because i will go insane!
i also found out that after my internship, i can apply to become a registered play therapist! the only thing is i have to get 150 hours of play therapy-specific instruction. i was able to find an online certificate that only costs $500 (in comparison to ~$13k for other programs), so i think i'm going to start doing that too. i was also looking into continuing education (CE) hours-- a certain number of credits that therapists have to get each year to make sure we're keeping up with new research and continuing to learn. i'm all about continuing to learn, but man those credits can be so expensive! i've seen a lot of courses that would be really interesting, but i just don't have the money for all of them... especially since right now i am working for free.
this is one of the credits i found about using animal crossing as a therapy tool, and i actually gasped:
$50 though! thankfully i know how to google things and was able to find a free similar webinar, not for any credit and probably not in the same amount of detail, but it was still fun to watch! that game definitely helped to keep me sane during the first several months of quarantine, so it was interesting to see it spelled out why the game is good for mental health and how it can be used to help kids talk about their life outside the game.
that's all for now!
xoxo
september 7th, 2021
feeling: cold!!
listening: the sound of AC in a quiet library
currently updating from my part-time library job, which is in-person again for the first time in 18 months. do i think we should be in-person as a commuter campus with thousands of people attending classes? not really!
i've got *almost* all the sims pages up and running (accessible via the laptop on the bookshelf). i've also once again downloaded the sims 1 onto my computer. the nostaliga of writing about the music, the objects, and the NPCs was too much. i'm hoping to mess around with buy and build mode and make some fun rooms and houses to show off somewhere too
ooh also, i made a blog for all of my beachcombing finds. there's going to be a storm today, so i think i'll go out tomorrow morning before work to check out what's washed up!
xoxo